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Restaurant Excited to Unveil Hassle-Filled Web Site

February 10, 2012 by Cleveland

A new local restaurant announced they were ready to “go live” with their new web site and were eager to put up as many roadblocks as possible during guest’s two to three minute visit.

Potential customers of Shivani’s in Bowling Green, Kentucky will go on a small hunt to find basic information, find the OpenTable reservation link, and determine parking options. Buzzwords like “Experience,” “Evolved,” and “Transcendent Mood Pond” will scroll across the site, likely inducing at least four epileptic seizures.

People, who want to exchange money for the chef’s service and little else, will need to download the latest plug-in to view the 40 second intro page showing pictures of markets, oceans, and gardens from where none of the restaurant’s food came. Following this, people at work or who are already listening to music will be pleased when elevator-music-meets-B-side-techno mix greets them, according to chef and owner Ryan Cashmore.

“If people don’t want to embrace the history of Italian food through a slide show of iStock photos, will they even understand what we’re trying to do here? Do we even want their business?”

Bordering on abstract art that would bewilder Lady Gaga, the site will not have menus, but “stories. Stories that will take you places, man,” Mr. Cashmore said.

Possible diners, who, by law have the freedom to go or not go to any licensed food distributor, need to open individual PDF menus—rather: “stories”—instead of a simple HTML page, where they will not find prices. “No way on listing prices. Listing prices takes the focus off the food and puts it on money. We don’t want to make this about money.”

These customers, who are probably running late and just need the restaurant’s address before they miss the next train and don’t want to hear from their partner about how they lack the responsibility a 30 year old should have, will get ample opportunity to learn about the chef in the “About The Chef” section(s).

Mr. Cashmore said he wanted to use this part of the site as an opportunity to play up his food theory and highlight his two-week trip to Italy during high school. “Plus that music playing in the background will be classy as shit. Oh, and the font has to be perfect. What if we just put it in Times New Roman? What would that say about the concept of our food?”