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Chick-fil-A Focuses Quarterly Goals on Increasing Market Share, Hatred of Gays

May 11, 2012 by Cleveland

In a conference call with business writers, Chick-fil-A chief financial officer Dan Cathy outlined his company’s earnings report and second-quarter profit goals, including increasing hatred of homosexuals.

Since 2003, Chick-fil-A’s non-profit arm has donated over $8 million to groups with stated goals of outlawing same sex marriage. “We believe in real, wholesome food that doesn’t destroy the fabric of civilization and won’t send the world to a fiery grave in the depths of Hell, so it’s only natural we want marriages with the same values,” Cathy said.

Customers’ unwitting donations promoting the “Gay marriage is dog marriage” argument came by way of increased sales of spicy chicken biscuits and cookies & cream milkshakes, as well as patrons who knew the company funded anti-gay marriage groups but continued to eat there because “Whatever, fuck it.”

Since the first Chick-fil-A opened in 1967, the company has posted 37 consecutive annual sales increases, including a 13.1 percent increase to $1.975 billion and a 5.87% comparable-store sales increase last year. Of equal importance, Cathy said, hate crimes against gay people have risen 30 percent in the same time frame.

“Just as its Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, we believe its chicken and waffle fries, not sex between guys,” he said.

Chick-fil-A’s same-store sales and total percentage growth are expected to grow faster than industry leaders such as McDonald’s and Burger King, despite Chick-fil-A’s advertising planned expenditures of 2 to 3 percent of sales.  Also planned is a 70% reduction of “homsexual-sounding food names,” like “fudge brownie” and “fruit cup.”

“As for goals, we want to hold the line on our low franchise fee. We take pride in and want to continue our sub-5 percent turnover rate of hourly workers. We’d also really love for more kids at school to be called faggots,” Cathy said. “We want to put a spotlight on our new salads and on kids who act different or come from homes with same-sex parents.”

Cathy added that plans are in place to release the company’s rebuttal to Dan Savage’s famed YouTube series, “It Gets Better.” That series was sparked after several notable suicides by gay teens and was aimed at helping LGBT youths bullied by their school peers.

Chick-fil-A’s response, “But Hopefully Not Much,” will be a series of videos telling LGBT teens of the discrimination they will still face, their inability to get married in most states, and the disappointment on their grandparents’ faces when they first bring home a loved one. It will also say their career choices consist solely of cupcake shop owner, catty Banana Republic attendant, or AIDS patient.

“The only thing we want to see married are men and women, and frothy milkshakes with a yummy chicken sandwiches,” Cathy said. “Well, and if we’re being honest, preferably whites to whites.”