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Bobby Deen “Not Going to Date That Whore” Under Her Roof, Says Paula Deen

April 20, 2012 by Cleveland

Police responded to a domestic disturbance call at the home of Food Network personality Paula Deen after the celebrity cook tossed hot frying oil in the direction of her son, Bobby Dean, and his longtime girlfriend.

Ms. Deen, according to police, was in the kitchen preparing fatback flapjacks when she heard the basement steps creek. She witnessed Mr. Deen, 42, and his girlfriend sneaking into the basement he lives in, “because why not? It’s free and only temporary,” he would say later. Ms. Deen became irate upon seeing the couple and the confrontation ensued.

“I’m not going to have some big city slut blinding my baby in a ticker tape parade of muff,” Ms. Deen said while speaking to reporters on her back porch.  “She’s serving a help-yourself snatch salad bar to anyone with $7.95! She probably doesn’t even want a sneeze guard, if you catch my drift.”

Neighbors in the Savannah area said loud disputes from the house are fairly common and typically occur when his longtime girlfriend visits, but also arise from Mr. Deen’s Black Eyed Peas tribute band practices and his frequent beer pong tournaments.

“She’s got him out all night at your rock-n-roll sex clubs.  He needs his hair brushed!” Ms. Deen said, growing animated.

Mr. Deen recently began hosting the television show “Not My Mama’s Recipes,” described as a response to Ms. Deen’s much-publicized diabetes controversy, in which he reworks his mother’s famously unhealthy recipes in a more nutritious manner. Police believe this was a motivating factor in the attack and Ms. Deen seemed to confirm.

“Just who does he think he is, bee-smirching our family name? He’s a traitor, that’s who he is. He might as well enlist in Sherman’s Army and burn down Atlanta again,” she said, becoming somewhat incoherent.

At this point Mr. Deen, unaware of the impromptu press conference taking place in the back yard, climbed out of a second story window to the roof with a pack of cigarettes.

“Bobby Deen, if you want your Xbox [Live] account back you’ll get back up to my room right this instant, child!  “I need to get him in his jammies, y’all. He always has problems with the footies.”

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