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  1. Rarely Used Gym Membership Often Used to Justify Dessert

    May 13, 2013 by

    Restaurant insiders are reporting that Francis Haden is frequently opting for dessert because he “can just work a little harder at the gym tomorrow,” a claim no one who knows Mr. Haden believes will be realized.

    “There’s no harm in looking, I suppose,” he said, perusing the dessert menu at Barbuzzo in Philadelphia. “Espresso tiramisu? Hmm. Oh, Pumpkin crème brulee with canela and clove! Why not live a little?”

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  2. What Are We Wearing to Dinner?

    May 3, 2013 by


  3. Majority of Alcohol Consumed This Weekend to Work Up Courage to Make Basic Personal Interaction

    April 30, 2013 by

     

    An inability to approach people with a smile and simple conversation forced the lion’s share of this weekend’s alcohol to be consumed for no other reason than society’s crippling fear of face-to-face rejection, experts said.

    Patrons at bars across the country were witnessed falling back on the tired routine of frequenting nearby bars and speaking almost exclusively with the friends they arrived with and the wait staff serving them. Those who attempted to connect with strangers did so only after meeting the medical definition of binge drinking, the experts added.

    Such people included Eric Meller and Ryan Etenmire. Prior to consuming shots with sexually suggestive names their night was spent sporadically talking amongst themselves and staring longingly at women before looking away when they noticed, ultimately choosing to stew in the pot of their mutual, timid loserhood than introduce themselves. (more…)


  4. BINGO! Cheesesteak Edition

    April 9, 2013 by

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  5. Fat, Depressing Axl Rose Found to Be Singing for Chuck E. Cheese Munch’s Make Believe Band

    March 14, 2013 by

    Take me down to the Paradise City!  As long as there aren't too many stairs...